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Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Five Ways to Fast Cash For the Flat Ass Broke




A just released report by the experts at Unemployment Forever names the top gigs for the flat ass broke. To rank in the top five each gig had to meet the criteria of being suitable for people living in their cars as well as those who still have homes, require no particular skills or talent, have some sort of benefit beyond the pay, and include access to a restroom, because being poor is no reason to stink.


Participate in a Clinical Trial

Places such as Quintiles offer opportunities for those with almost any disorder, real or imagined (“Do you have bacterial vaginosis? PTSD? Call us today!”) to participate in clinical research trials. 

Depressed? Join a new mind-altering drug trial. Need a good night’s rest? Do a sleep study. Is your family sick of your antics while on Ambien? Try an experimental drug. It can’t be worse. Of course if you’re flat ass broke you can’t afford medical care, so signing up for the role of guinea pig gets you numerous free checkups.

Possibly for life.



Model your Innards

If the clinical trial sounds good but you’re not really into experiments, try being a medical model. When hospitals and clinics buy new equipment, they have to train the technicians to use it. Sharon Gutz got a two-day gig lying on a gurney in a sterile classroom, while the smart guy demonstrated ultrasound equipment (with external probes only—though internal probing pays a lot more). Again, you get a free checkup along with the paycheck. Those fancy machines can track a sandwich (provided) from one end to the other! You may even get a bonus if you are pregnant or have polyps all over your pancreas or something.

Give a Guy a Ride

Marcus Poore got his business idea late one night after being awakened by a stranded relative, whose flight was so delayed that the rental car agencies, shuttle bus services, even taxis for crying out loud, were no longer running. Marcus went to the airport to give the guy a ride, and met thirty others desperate for a lift to their hotels. Cha-Ching. 

Sure, you’re thinking this is about as smart as picking up hitchhikers, but it’s actually quite safe considering these passengers have already been cleared by the TSA to ensure they have no weapons or full size tubes of toothpaste. All you have to do is hang around a small to midsize airport in the middle of the night – if you’re already living in your car this is your dream job. Use the airport restroom to clean up before greeting your desperate pissed off passengers clients. Offer to carry their luggage into the hotel upon arrival, and you can grab a free banana in the lobby.

Housesit

Those who still have homes and jobs sometimes leave them and need house and/or pet sitters. The pay may not be as great as these other gigs, but the perks are good: A warm bed, a hot shower, and maybe some food in the fridge. And cable TV. Remember cable TV? Just keep the pets and plants alive and you can get referrals and repeat business. 


Join a Focus Group

Many don’t know that the term Law Practice means that attorneys actually need practice. Prior to trial, they often arrange focus groups consisting of a variety of people similar to those who may be chosen for the jury. Compensation starts at $20.00 per hour. Pizza and soft drinks are provided to keep you awake and pretending to pay attention to attorneys pretending to be smart and in court. At the end you tell them whether you think the pretend prosecution or the pretend defense won the pretend trial, collect your pay, and…don’t leave... Mingle.

You just might meet someone that needs a lift to the airport.

12 comments:

  1. OMG, Deb, this is awesome! My relatives in Indy are convenient located near Eli Lilly Foundation and have been known to participate in trials for pay. One such trial included testing whether or not deodorant works better than no deodorant.

    One of my master teachers, lo these many years ago, used to comfort herself with the knowledge that, yes, Virginia, there will always be a need for humans to serve as subjects for testing the neurological effects of jet fuel fumes, and thus there was still hope even for her failing students. She would walk around the classroom muttering "jet fuel" to herself.

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  2. HAHAHA! Jet fuel, jet fuel, jet fuel...

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  3. Brilliant! Your humor shocks and entertains. I love the two for one I get when I pop in for a visit!

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    1. Thanks Denise! I'm shocked when it entertains : )

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  4. This is so well done. Thanks for the laughs.

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    1. No, thank YOU for laughing! Appreciate you coming by.

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  5. Hysterical. And thought provoking. I DO have free time in the middle of the night.

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    1. HA! I can see it now: Susanna's Airport Shuttle.

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  6. Hilarious Debbie. Every bit of it was funny from "flat ass broke" on. Okay to reblog?

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    1. Thanks for egging me on, Tonia. Sure you can reblog.

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  7. OMG! Choked from laughing till I turned blue. Now I'm green with envy.

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  8. Oh geez, I hope your normal color has returned. I'm tickled pink that you liked it - heh heh.

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