Confessions of the Technologically Disabled

No they aren't

It’s 1:15 a.m. and I know this because I’m on the laptop, where magic happens when Daylight Savings Time begins and ends. Like my Smartphone, it always knows the correct time.

When I’m in the kitchen or the car and need to check the time I just look for the clock with the latest hour – I changed those that were easy to figure out and left the rest.

I went to Cincinnati last weekend. When I checked in online there was a snag in “retrieving” my boarding pass, so I gave up and chose “send to phone.” I remembered that you can scan your ID at the airport kiosk and out pops your boarding pass, so I figured that would work.

When I got to the airport I found the kiosk, and it had slots for scanning your license or credit card. I couldn’t figure out what to do, but the screen said, “scan” so I tried swiping the barcode Delta sent to my phone across the screen. After a few minutes of standing there looking perplexed, an employee came by and asked if she could help. She glanced at the barcode on my phone and explained that it WAS my boarding pass- to just show that to security.

Who knew? I was amazed by this technology until my return, when my phone stalled at security and wouldn’t open the barcode. I had to step out of line and wait for it.

Last summer I was shopping with my aunt. When done she suggested I go start her car while she waited in line. I hopped in and couldn’t find a keyhole. I looked at the key and it didn’t look like a key. I had no idea how to start the car. My 2006 model takes a real key that looks like a key and that’s the way I like it.

A while back I was at Lowe’s and got excited over a light-up keypad lock. After the wired smoke alarm fiasco, I should have known better, but I bought it. After installing, you just add batteries and program a code you’ll remember. It worked great for about a month before it started beeping like the smoke alarms from hell. Unlike the alarms, changing the batteries in the lock didn’t work. Now it’s just an overpriced deadbolt.

I want to cancel my bundle of TV, internet, and phone service. Haven’t used a home phone in years and I’m still paying for it. When I watch television it’s the three local channels. I’m paying for 400 more, just in case I want to tune in to Shawn Says, Accessorize! or Brazil Butt Lift or Justin Bieber’s Believe (you have to pay extra to watch that one).

Thing is, I don’t understand the options. Netflix? Apple TV? Hulu? What is all that?

I wish I understood all things techie, but I want to understand without actually doing the work to learn.

The only time I’ve visited with Siri was to ask her what the fox says. The only time I used Dragon Dictation, I said, “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck…” just to see what happened. (It translated to something about a babysitter)

I need a geek. Will trade room and private bath for geekery. The rules?

Keep. Stuff. Working.

***

And never, ever try to explain technology to me.

*** Cartoon courtesy of Ryan over at http://palewriterryan.blogspot.com/  He's a funny guy.