Thursday, May 29, 2014

Father's Day Blunders From the Past

As Father's Day approaches, I'm missing my dad.

August, 1960: Dad shaves while pondering my arrival and future Father's Day gifts.

Also, I'm thinking of some of the goofy gifts I gave him in the past, thanks to inspiration from the kind and hilarious folks over at Dollar Shave Club (now if they could just inspire me to shave my legs a little more often). 

There was this:

What thought process takes over and convinces one that the man who gave them life would love to have a belt buckle (and a very cheap one, per the tag that wasn’t removed) with his name on it? Dad loved this so much that he kept it in the box and tucked it away in a drawer under some socks.

Then there was this:

Dad loved fishing. I mean LOVED it. So many gift choices for a fisherman, and he got this framed 8 X10 photo of geese and carp. Carp mostly. Not even a particulary good photo of carp. Doesn't it just scream HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!? He proudly displayed this on a shelf alongside family photos, proving that his sense of humor was better than my taste. 

And also there was this:

I must have been on my way for a visit when I thought, Shit! It's Father's Day weekend and I have no gift! Think fast... stop somewhere... So there I was at a flea market and saw this gem. Dad likes antiques, Dad shaves, so he'll surely love an antique shaving brush, right?

Um, not so much.

Dad died in 2007 and I think he still had every Father’s Day gift ever received. I couldn’t believe it. I also can’t believe that these  gifts I chose badly are back in my house. 

If you have the good fortune to spend this Father’s Day with your dad, may I suggest buying a six pack and a couple of steaks and grilling for him?

Your dad won’t feel any sentimental tug to store meat and beer for the next umpteen years, and you’ll never be sorting and pitching and wondering why you have a vintage, never-removed-from-package belt buckle that says 'Carl'.

Win Win.

Happy Father's Day.

**Get your Dad a gift card to Dollar Shave Club here:

Monday, May 19, 2014

I Stopped Loving Her Today

What’s up with that new Jennifer Lopez song, “I Luh Ya Papi?”

Who says I luh ya?

Besides J.Lo I mean.

It reminds me of a kid that has been told to apologize and says “Sor” so he can avoid saying sorry.

Is J. Lo trying to love Papi but just isn’t quite there?

I’m okay with “Papi,” as many people use pet names, but in this song it sounds like puppy, which is not a good pet name for a person or dog.

I think this song would work better if it had been written for and filmed in an animal shelter. It seems fine to Luh our Puppies, but please…put some clothes on. Pups don't Luh anyone based on hard abs or junk in the trunk. 

And that attempt to reverse the whole sexism thing to make a point? It failed big time when they brought in a fully clothed male rapper with barely dressed female dancers. 

Yep. Should have filmed in a shelter.

Can you imagine Whitney Houston, on stage and all glammed up, belting out “I Will Always Luh You?”

Remember The Captain and Tenille? Not sure I’d want "Luh to Keep us Together."

The Beatles sang, “All You Need is Love.” All you need is Luh? Not working for me.

Imagine the late great George Jones crooning “He Stopped Luhhing Her Today.” Instead of sobbing (you sob when you hear that song, right?) fans would think, he stopped whatting her

 J. Lo, please. Love your Papi, love anyone you wish, but if I hear "I luh ya luh ya luh ya" one more time... well, I'll be singing along to the J. Geils Band tune, "Luh Stinks."