Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Weirdo Wednesday

A woman came to the door and I’m tellin’ ya, she’d practiced her enthusiasm so hard I thought she was gonna have an orgasm on the porch as she handed me a bag of Tide Pods while saying, “You’re a good neighbor!”

I said, “What are you trying to sell?

She said, “Nothing! I don’t sell anything!” with that high-pitched excitement.

She wanted to show me how great Kirby is by cleaning my carpet. I told her I’m buying new carpet and why bother?

As the cat slipped out she said, “Just let me vacuum?” Now THAT I should have taken her up on. I should have let her deep clean the carpet, actually, but I’d feel a little guilty accepting a free offer that isn’t intended to be free at all, even though they lie to you.

She grabbed Damcat and tossed her back in, then said, “Can I have those pods back?”


My cell isn’t working. I’ll just add it to the list:

Two laptops
Master shower (how does everything except one shower get hot water?)


I had to make a run for dog food and Half and Half again. They had Clos du Bois cabernet on sale, so I grabbed a bottle. At checkout it didn’t ring up. I said, “It’s $10.99.” The cashier said, “Shh,” then rang it up at $3.99. Either he likes old women with bad joints who always look pissed, or he (more likely) pitied me based on appearance.


Now I’d add a nice photo of Tide Pods or Damcat or wine, if things were working. Maybe say Kirby a few more times for SEO.

Screw it. I'll have some wine and vacuum.