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Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Breaking News: Police Investigate Suspicious Package




Platte City, MO
updated 6pm

KCTV3 EXCLUSIVE UPDATE TO OUR EXCLUSIVE BREAKING NEWS:
See full exclusive story below this update!

Platte County residents are breathing a sigh of relief tonight after authorities determined that the suspicious package found on Lillian Hedge's porch was an Amazon order.

Hedge, when allowed to return to the scene with her pets, told KCTV3 exclusively, "I'd just got home from my weekly trip to Big John's Bargain Basement, where I buy all my litter boxes and scratch- and- dent cans of tuna and stuff of that nature, when I saw it. I was so frightened, 'cause we're really 'sposed to have no more than three pets over here, and I've been gettin' threatening letters from the HOA, but I ain't giving up none of my pets, and I tell ya, that box was MOVING!"

When asked what was in the package, Hedge said, "Well I can tell you there's nothing in it now. It's nothing but trash now." She went on to mention that she did walk away from her computer while browsing Amazon on Monday, and later found paw prints on the keyboard, so maybe a cat used the buy with one click feature. 

"Whew! I'll make sure that never happens again," said Hedge.

Watch our 10pm broadcast for the latest updates on this story and the one about the teen in Florida who pretended to be a doctor.


I didn't do it. I hate Amazon.

BREAKING NEWS EXCLUSIVE:


KCTV3 has a crew in route to Suspicious Package investigation in Platte City.

Mrs. Lillian Hedge, a resident of the Fox Creek subdivision off Running Horse Road in Platte County called authorities when she returned home from shopping and spotted a suspicious package on her porch.

Police notified the sheriff's department, fire department, ambulance, bomb squad, ATF, and animal control, which all arrived on scene at approximately 3:35pm, setting off the local coyotes, news crews, and personal injury attorneys.

Roads surrounding Fox Creek are blocked until crews determine whether the suspicious package contains explosives or other threatening substances such as gluten or canola oil.

KCTV3 spoke to a neighbor, who asked not to be named and said, "We ain't seen this much action since that danged wallaby got loose in 2012. I shore hope Lillian and her cats is okay. I can't get near the officers. Tell 'em I seen someone on her porch earlier. He was driving a brown truck and he was wearin' brown shorts and a brown shirt."

click here for future updates












16 comments:

  1. This is such fun. I especially enjoyed the "threatening substances such as gluten or canola oil," a topic of much discussion at the grocery store today.

    Unfortunately, I also find it such a sad (and needed) commentary on the kind of news we often get today. I wonder if the pendulum will ever swing back? I find myself asking that question all the time!

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    1. I have little hope of it swinging back. Remember journalism? Real reporters? Where have they gone?

      I try to make sure my food isn't grown in bird droppings in China, but otherwise I have to ignore much advice or I'd starve to death trying to figure out what's good for me this week and what isn't.

      Thanks for coming by!

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  2. Hahahahaha! I died! "Threatening substances such as gluten!" LOL! And the cat gettin' after the one-click action again! And "Tell 'em I seen someone on her porch earlier. He was driving a brown truck and he was wearin' brown shorts and a brown shirt." Complete with disgruntled kitty pic!

    But what Crystal says it true. The "news" is really just so pathetic. I mean, there's a need and place for local issues, but...these kinds of stories get full bombast and billing while the "World News Minute" is supposed to cover all the "important" stuff "over there." I mean really...

    Love this. You excel at this kind of humor, Debbie.

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    1. Pathetic, indeed. Thanks for egging me on!

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  3. Great, great fun. Love satire and loved this post. Thanks!!!

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  4. Hahaha! Thank goodness my cat never buys from Amazon.

    I love how she thought the box was moving. And how we still don't know what she actually received.

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    1. If cats could shop online mine would buy pens. All of them. Thanks for visiting!

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  5. I loved so many things about it, mainly, that it reminded me of the sense of how crazy small U.S.A. can be. Allow me to enumerate what I liked in partcular: 1) The setup and the news jargon; 2) Big John's, dented tuna, HOA; 3) Hedge's immediate rise to local fame and her pithy wisdom, " "Well I can tell you there's nothing in it now. It's nothing but trash now."; 4) Cats and one-click; 5) The swift arrival of the news team and the street names; 6) setting off the local coyotes, news crews, and personal injury attorneys; 7) Canola Oil; 8) Someone on her porch who was wearing brown. You could write a whole book of these little vignettes and I'd read 'em and laugh my ass off. Too funny.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Tonia. I always fear sharing my writing, and you always encourage me to share more. I appreciate that.

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  6. This is great fun to read. I enjoyed all of it, seriously. This is GREAT stuff and I would follow and read this on a daily basis. What a great little pick me up!

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  7. Oh what fun this is! Canola oil and gluten - I'm telling you there is idiolect in there that I'm just DYING to start using! And damn those compulsively shopping kitties with one-click purchasing power - how much more mischief can they get into?

    I love how you touch on so many things on one tightly written, hysterical post, from "fleeting fame" to "cute animal stories" to "it was a slow news day - wait, what IS news anymore" to "nothing is above suspicion." Jolly well done!

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    1. Thanks, Carryl! Coming from someone who has such a different voice than I do, this means a lot to me.

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  8. This was so much fun to read. Not only did I enjoy the poke at what passes as news, I also loved how you intertwined the ubiquitous UPS man and our cultural dependency on mail order. Coyotes and personal injury attorneys . . . too funny!

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  9. Thank you Whitney! Glad you enjoyed it.

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