Why I'm Single Saturday: Five Dinner Date Types Guaranteed To Ruin Your Appetite

For the inaugural installment of Why I’m Single Saturday, I discuss five dinner date types that you don’t want to break bread with. Some are single offense, first timers who may deserve a break. Others exhibit behaviors of two or more types, and often wonder why they're all alone, driving through the Taco Bell again.

The Nose Blower

Right there at the restaurant table. Paper napkin or cloth, the Blower doesn't care. Forget going to the restroom, taking care of mucus business, and for Pete’s sake washing your hands, this guy blows and wads and drops that nastiness right on the table.

The Phone Checker

The Phone Checker places his cell on the table and checks it every five seconds. This is nearly as rude as blowing your nose on the napkin. Jimmy Kimmel has a hilarious video about phone checking here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3Y9ADSHXMw

The Phone Checker would rather communicate with electronics than humans, and therefore should stay home to fiddle with his devices.

The Premature Order Placer

When the server asks if you are ready to order, the Premature Order Placer belts out his culinary desires before you've had a chance to look at the menu. The server has to stand there waiting or suggest returning after you've had more time. The Premature Order Placer then looks like a fool, but has no idea.

The Racer

Usually the same ones who try to order from the busboy who brings the water, the Racer wolfs down dinner as if participating in a pie eating contest, and therefore has no time to consider whether his mouth is closed or if other diners across the room can hear him smacking chewing. The racer is asking for the check before you've moved from salad to entree--unless he's now helping himself to the food on your plate.

The Cheapskate

I don’t know why the issue of who pays is still such a big deal. The way I see it, if you invited, you pay. If I invited you, I pay. Going dutch is fine too. But the Cheapskate waits until the check comes and then pretends that he forgot to bring cash/credit/debit card or anything he might be able to barter for food. The Cheapskate will stick you every time, so if you fall for it once or twice, start saving up for making his mortgage payment. 

Tune in next week when we’ll talk about what bread plates are for. Or something equally fascinating.

In the meantime, what have you witnessed while out to dinner that you'd like to erase from memory?