Saturday, October 12, 2013

Why I'm Single Saturday: Five Dinner Date Types Guaranteed To Ruin Your Appetite

For the inaugural installment of Why I’m Single Saturday, I discuss five dinner date types that you don’t want to break bread with. Some are single offense, first timers who may deserve a break. Others exhibit behaviors of two or more types, and often wonder why they're all alone, driving through the Taco Bell again.

The Nose Blower

Right there at the restaurant table. Paper napkin or cloth, the Blower doesn't care. Forget going to the restroom, taking care of mucus business, and for Pete’s sake washing your hands, this guy blows and wads and drops that nastiness right on the table.

The Phone Checker

The Phone Checker places his cell on the table and checks it every five seconds. This is nearly as rude as blowing your nose on the napkin. Jimmy Kimmel has a hilarious video about phone checking here:

The Phone Checker would rather communicate with electronics than humans, and therefore should stay home to fiddle with his devices.

The Premature Order Placer

When the server asks if you are ready to order, the Premature Order Placer belts out his culinary desires before you've had a chance to look at the menu. The server has to stand there waiting or suggest returning after you've had more time. The Premature Order Placer then looks like a fool, but has no idea.

The Racer

Usually the same ones who try to order from the busboy who brings the water, the Racer wolfs down dinner as if participating in a pie eating contest, and therefore has no time to consider whether his mouth is closed or if other diners across the room can hear him smacking chewing. The racer is asking for the check before you've moved from salad to entree--unless he's now helping himself to the food on your plate.

The Cheapskate

I don’t know why the issue of who pays is still such a big deal. The way I see it, if you invited, you pay. If I invited you, I pay. Going dutch is fine too. But the Cheapskate waits until the check comes and then pretends that he forgot to bring cash/credit/debit card or anything he might be able to barter for food. The Cheapskate will stick you every time, so if you fall for it once or twice, start saving up for making his mortgage payment. 

Tune in next week when we’ll talk about what bread plates are for. Or something equally fascinating.

In the meantime, what have you witnessed while out to dinner that you'd like to erase from memory?


  1. Uh oh, I admit I am a big phone checker LOL, too addicted. Good thing I am married and my husband is used to it :) However, great list, looking from the other perspective I can see how all of it can be very scary, even the phone checker :)

    1. Hi Miriam! Yeah, I'm mostly referring to first dates, when it's more offensive. You've probably earned the right to be a habitual "checker" - haha. Thanks for coming over!

  2. My husband does just about everything on the list... of course we've been married for well over a decade.

    1. Hi Shameca,
      Yeah, things relax after a while, but I bet he didn't do all that on your first date! Thanks for stopping by : )

  3. Blowing his nose! Gross. Still at least he used a could have been worse. Growing up my family delighted in talking about really vile things at the dinner table, so I became unshockable at most people's table etiquette. People eating loudly or not closing their mouths while eating still grosses me out though. Very amusing post.

    1. Hi Andrea,
      I used to work for an attorney who never closed his mouth, while eating or otherwise. Then he chewed and talked at the same time. It was really awful when we all had to go to lunch with him. Thanks for visiting my blog!

  4. I am very fortunate that I dated a lot of great guys who didn't do anything like these things.

    I am SO happy I'm married.



  5. That is fortunate, Kathy! Thanks for coming by : )

  6. What about the guy who asks you where you want to eat, and after shooting down your first several suggestions, tells you where he was taking you all along? How about the guy who pats the slightly chubby, unmarried waitress on her tummy, and asks when her baby is due? How about the man who charges ahead of the hostess to show HER where he's going to sit? How about the guy who regales the staff with stories of his glory days as a waiter? Or how about the one who makes fun of the way you seem to "really enjoy your food" while he talks with his mouth full? My bad. I married that one.