Sometimes the Wrong Words Fall Out

I wonder if there is a term for when we’re talking and think we know what we’re saying, but something very wrong comes out.

Like this:

I once worked for a family business that built fences. Their name started with B, so when we answered phones, it sounded kind of like “Burp Fence. May I help you?”

There were a bunch of siblings that worked there, and the brothers often fought. One day they were screaming and throwing office supplies and books at each other and it was all very stupid.

The phone was ringing, and I grabbed it.

But rather than saying that thing that sounds like Burp Fence, I said “Bulls!#t.” The office went silent. Mortified, I hung up on the caller.

Years before that incident, I was working a switchboard at a temp job in Seattle. I had to page an engineer named Tuk Din, and I didn’t know how to do it without my voice echoing through loudspeakers “TUCKED IN. Line 3. TUCKED IN, Line 3.”

I giggled. Some dude with no sense of humor came to my desk and banged his fist on it and said, “You’d better get it together.”

My sister used to work for the circulation department of a newspaper. On break one day, she read an article about circumcision. When break was over, she grabbed the phone and said “Times P.I. Circumcision, may I help you?” This time the caller hung up.

My sister claims to have no recall of that conversation (it's okay, we all block painful memories) but says, “I still remember a caller saying, 'Why did you just say the words Metro Wilson?' I told him I hadn't, and didn't even know what that meant. He argued with me that he knew I had!”

I’ll never know for sure if she said Metro Wilson or not, but that should be the term for the wrong words escaping the tongue.

So tell me. Have you ever had a Metro Wilson moment?  I'll laugh with you, I promise.

Staples. that wasn't easy.

I needed business cards and now. I remembered that Staples has an in-house print shop, so I went to their website to see what they offered. They had a bazillion options. They were also having a big sale, so I could get 250 cards for only five bucks.

While searching for any hint of delivery time on the site, I noticed that they offer INSTANT PICK UP. For $25, I could order the same $5 cards and pick them up in the store right away. Not really right away, as the small print said to allow four hours. Four hours worked for me, so I chose a simple black and white design, typed in my info, and checked the weekly ad for anything else I might need. Envelopes! A box of twenty #10’s, self-sealing, for ONE dollar!

Five hours later I was ready to go get my business cards and #10 envelopes when the phone rang.

“Hi, this is Brian at Staples calling to see if tomorrow is okay for your business cards. We are out of paper.”

“Really? Who is this really? The office supply store does not run out of paper. Is that you John? This is not funny.”

“No, it’s Brian at Staples. Our truck will be in tomorrow and we can print your cards then, or we can print them on regular paper today.”

“Ok, tomorrow is fine.”

“We will call you tomorrow when they are ready.”

I was visiting friends the next evening and planned to pick up my order on the way home. No call came. Staples still had no paper.

Wednesday came, and I was meeting my daughter for lunch and then had to pack for my trip the next day – my trip to a conference that I needed business cards for. I called Staples and asked if they happened to have any paper, as I was in the area and needed my cards. The helpful associate who answered said that she would start printing them.

I arrived at 2:00 and started looking for the envelopes, but kept getting distracted by signs stuck to everything, saying “Staples. That was easy.” An employee offered to help me, and led me to an aisle full of envelopes, ranging from $6 to $50 per box. She was unaware of the advertised sale, but offered to take a look at the ad to find the proper item. When she got to the register and grabbed the flier she also took a phone call. She clearly had only one page of the ad, but glanced at it, hung up the phone, and told me I must have seen an ad from a different city, as they did not have any envelopes on sale.

I went to the print center to get my cards. The saleswoman put the box on the counter and opened it so I could take a look. I ordered a simple black and white card. Easy, right?  There was no black. The part that should be black was twenty shades of gray, like when your home printer is almost out of ink and keeps trying to print anyway.

I asked if I could get the online price since INSTANT PICK UP took three days. She looked at me as if I did not speak her language and repeated the price. I read the business card box to her.

 “Quality. Service. Guaranteed.” Where was the quality? Service? What was the guarantee? She gave me another blank stare and asked if I wanted debit or credit. I gave up and vowed to check out moo.com and other companies recommended for business cards.

“Oh, your receipt has a coupon! Good for $5 off your next in store visit.”

Oh goody. Maybe envelopes will be on sale.