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Saturday, September 17, 2016

Goin' Postal






I’ve been a real slacker about blogging lately. Easily distracted and all that.


My neighbor removed the Mitt and Cruz and Trump bumper stickers from his truck. He’s trying to sell it, and honestly I don’t know why he bothered removing the stickers because around these parts most fine citizens would pay extra for that bullshit.

My HOA forbids yard signs, so the neighbors, being clever buggers, paste Trump signs in their bedroom windows. Why, why, I ask you?

v bgtyte4 hb

Yesterday I visited my local Goin’ Postal. I had an eBay item to ship and some books to donate for the book exchange (Of course they were for the book exchange. Would you donate books to a cookie exchange?). The owners are good people and do much for the community—someone in a T-Rex costume is running around outside as I write this—speaking of being distracted.

So I took my turn at the counter as another customer was asking the owners if they make political yard signs. The lady helping me said, “No, just go up the street to Republican, UH…or Democrat…headquarters.” The customer laughed and assured her she was right the first time. The husband-owner said, “Yeah, we’re all Platte Countians!”

I cleared my throat, then said, “Can you make a sign that says, 'Sorry About My Neighbors'?"

The owners laughed, the other customer did not.

***
I read an article about the new updates to MO Stand Your Ground gun laws just to make sure I understand this. I did. I do. Our lawmakers and most citizens should be ashamed. Or shot. Oh wait—that could sound like a threat and I’m not the threatening kind. Make love not war and all that, but holy baby kittens, things just piss me off lately.

So here are the updates:

* Now anyone in your home can stand your ground. Such a relief to know that while you’re out shopping for more guns and camo, your cleaning lady or babysitter or handyman can legally shoot anyone that they feel is a threat.

* You and/or other defenders of your home and person are no longer required to have a permit to conceal carry.  SMDH.

* You can now Stand Your Ground even if you are not on your ground. That’s right folks. If you’re out shoppin’ at the Piggly Wiggly and feelin’ all warm and fuzzy knowin’ your home is safe because the lawn dude is there and packin’, and while loadin’ up your groceries you FEEL THREATENED (this is usually defined as “see someone who doesn’t look exactly like you”) you can shoot them. No problem here in the shoot me state.

This law is called the Castle Doctrine but the guy who wrote the article inadvertently called it the Castle Coctrine.
Think about that.

***
I invited complete strangers to my home today. It’s common practice when selling things online to toss the stuff in the car and meet in a public place for safety. But now they can legally shoot me in public if they feel threatened by an old woman holding a chrome rooster, right? So what the hell. 

Besides, I have a plan and it’s working beautifully: I post a few nice items at cheap prices and wait. Today’s first reply was from a man who wanted to see all items. He sent his number, so I called. His wife answered and asked if I wanted to meet in public. I told her they should just come and look, as I had more. So. Much. More.

They took turns making piles of stuff they liked and telling stories (the tractor slipping out of gear and crashing into the law office where I used to work was a good one). They filled their SUV and my wallet and asked me to call them first as I find more treasure.

The next lady came for one $5 item, bought two more, and messaged later asking if she can come back tomorrow. Yes. Yes, she can.  

Mama wants to fund a vacation.

Don’t think of robbing me while I’m gone, though. The pet sitter might be packing.


18 comments:

  1. OMG, I'm dying! You had me at chrome rooster, holy baby kittens, and coctrine! When I want to apologize for my neighbors, it's rarely on political grounds. That law...holy shite. But lord love ya, this was a fun post to read.

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    1. Thanks. I was more than a little uncomfortable about it.

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  2. You can't make up stuff like this. Oh, Deb. For your sake, I seriously hope some of this is fictionalized!

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    1. Unfortunately, there's no fiction in this one. Thanks for coming by!

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  3. Why write fiction when real life just gives you so much fodder?! Pet sitter's packing. Love it.

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    1. Exactly! I can't even call this one creative nonfiction. I hope the pet sitter doesn't feel threatened by Damcat and shoot her.

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  4. Hilarious! I loved the yard sign, "Sorry about my neighbors." Keep this up. I need it!

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    1. Thanks, Carolyn. Writing saves me from actually putting signs in my own windows : )

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  5. Or maybe some days, you might let her shoot Damcat. Just sayin'. I know you didn't make this stuff up, I live in your state in a little bitty town. This stuff happens. Thanks for the giggles.

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  6. It sure does, Stella! Thanks for coming by.

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  7. Holy BABY KITTENS!!! the pet sitter is packing... ha ha ha ha. While I don't follow or understand American politics I was still able to enjoy this. You have such a great way of tying bits and pieces together in one cohesive post that I find irresistibly delightful!
    Keep on observing and keep on sharing. Your views are refreshing!

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    1. Thanks, JB. I'm having a little trouble understanding American politics myself : )

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  8. What I love about your writing is your ability to point out the absurdity of it all. The frightening thing is it's all true. I follow your politics somewhat, but there are days when I wonder if someone tipped the rocking chair too far. I'm never sure if it was me.

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    1. Thanks, Crystal. I've never heard the rocking chair expression before - love that!

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  9. Great read! Had me giggling all the way through.

    Jess :)

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  10. Great post, Debbie! Your small town shenanigans never cease to have me laughing out loud. I'm telling you... package this stuff up!

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement, Via!

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