A woman came to the door and I’m tellin’ ya, she’d practiced
her enthusiasm so hard I thought she was gonna have an orgasm on the porch as
she handed me a bag of Tide Pods while saying, “You’re a good neighbor!”
I said, “What are you trying to sell?
She said, “Nothing! I don’t sell anything!” with that
high-pitched excitement.
She wanted to show me how great Kirby is by cleaning my
carpet. I told her I’m buying new carpet and why bother?
As the cat slipped out she said, “Just let me vacuum?” Now
THAT I should have taken her up on. I should have let her deep clean the carpet, actually,
but I’d feel a little guilty accepting a free offer that isn’t intended to be
free at all, even though they lie to you.
She grabbed Damcat and tossed her back in, then said, “Can I
have those pods back?”
My cell isn’t working. I’ll just add it to the list:
AC
Dishwasher
Two laptops
Knees
Master shower (how does everything except one shower get hot water?)
iPhone
***
I had to make a run for dog food and Half and Half again.
They had Clos du Bois cabernet on sale, so I grabbed a bottle. At checkout it
didn’t ring up. I said, “It’s $10.99.” The cashier said, “Shh,” then rang it up
at $3.99. Either he likes old women with bad joints who always look pissed, or he (more likely) pitied me based on appearance.
***
Now I’d add a nice photo of Tide Pods or Damcat or wine, if
things were working. Maybe say Kirby a few more times for SEO.
Screw it. I'll have some wine and vacuum.
