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Thursday, October 17, 2013

Showing Up







Connie Schultz writes a column for Parade called Life in the Middle Ages. Her September 6 column is about showing up, even when it’s uncomfortable.

When people are dying, when people have died, we tend to not really know what to do, and often do nothing because it’s so hard to get in the middle of suffering.

I’m one of those that never handled death well. I’ll never forget an older roommate I once had convincing me to go to a funeral with her. I’d never met the deceased or any of her loved ones, yet I stood in that cemetery and blubbered - so much so that strangers were coming to me, offering hugs, and saying things like “Oh honey, you two must have been very close.”

The thing is, once we reach a certain age, we lose friends and family more often, and because of our own losses, tend to better understand the importance of showing up.

I still stink at it. I still much prefer to visit before a funeral. And I like to think that counts too. 

Connie's piece is excellent, so read it, and instead of repeating her sentiments, I'll just share one of my favorite memories about showing up.

My father was always very picky about his lawn, and due to his efforts it always looked like a well-maintained park. When his first round of cancer and chemo struck, he became too ill to mow.

One day I was visiting, and saw a truck stop in front of the house. It was Dad’s friend Bob, from work.

Bob didn’t come to the door. He unloaded a mower and cut the grass. Then he loaded up the mower, got a weed trimmer from the truck bed, and finished the job he came to do. Then he climbed into his truck and left.

I don't remember whether Bob attended Dad's funeral years later, but I'll never forget him showing up to mow the lawn.

What about you? What is your favorite memory of someone showing up?



19 comments:

  1. My daughter showed up. She literally saved my life. She stopped by my home one day, she said she just had a feeling.. I was lying on my bed still in my work clothes. I was just too tired to move. She said, "c'mon mom, I'm taking you to the clinic." Shortly after I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. They gave me a year to live. My daughter took me to every chemo/dr. appt. AND tended to my two youngest boys. She dropped out of college to take care of me and the rest of the family. In my whole life I will never know what it is like to be 22 years old and picking out your mother's coffin but she knows.. My daughter showed up.. She saved my life.
    Great post and I'm sorry for your loss.

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  2. Well. Thanks for the cleansing cry. Your daughter certainly is an expert at showing up, and nobody, at the age of 22 should have to think about coffin choices. Bravo to the both of you for getting through it.

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  3. My late father always showed up with his camera. He was a professional photographer.

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  4. for me the best moments has been my best friend giving me boost talk whenever i am in low morale. we still are in touch.

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    1. There's nothing better than a best friend showing up when we need them! Thanks for commenting, and take care of your best friend : )

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  5. I make it a point to show up (not to toot my own horn but just to share here, I will give a couple examples of how...) I showed up today, at the funeral of my best friend's grandmother. I have known my best friend almost 30 years now and I have gotten to know her family well. I went not just for her, but for her entire extended family, as a supporter and comforter. I believe that we need to be there for each other in times of need, even if we may not have known the deceased.

    I showed up for my son and husband who were in two separate car accidents 9 days apart, neither of them their faults. I took 6 weeks off without pay to take care of both of them when they were couch ridden.

    I have shown up with a pan of lasagna several times when friends were sick so they didn't have to cook for their family.

    I have not had the misfortune of needing someone to really show up for me. I am lucky in that regard, although I was told many times by several friends that if I needed anything to call them during my families recovery time.

    Thank you for the thought provoking post. I loved it.

    Missy Bell
    www.PeaceAndHappinessProject.com
    www.WhereTheGhostsLive.WordPress.com

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  6. Missy, I don't think it's "tooting your own horn" to share how you show up for others - I'm just glad that you do. I truly believe in karma, and the good you do will come back to you when you really need it! Thanks for your kind comments!

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  7. I remember once when I was home alone. My dad came home early from work, pretty unusual for him. He had a feeling that something was wrong and just showed up. Well it turned out that our dog of 14 years had died- drowned in our pool. I would have had to face it alone, but he was there to hug and comfort,
    Really nice post. I think God knows what we need and prompts us or others to show up. So thankful for that.

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    1. Wow. Thanks for sharing, Renee. I'm glad your dad didn't ignore that feeling.

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  8. What a really powerful post. You've helped clarify something for me, so thank you. A friend reached out to me yesterday as someone close to her has committed suicide. I've always been awful dealing with other people's grief, never knowing what to say or do, and have tended to be a bit rubbish really. I don't know if I helped her, but at least this time I tried instead of running away. The only time I really showed up was when my best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. For the first time, I was by someone's side during a facing death time and stayed there. I have been wondering if it would be appropriate to write about death as a subject and now reading your story has encouraged me to do it. Who knows, it may help me to be a better person when faced with people in crisis. I'm more of a practical help person really, a bit like Bob, mowing the lawn but not coming in to talk. That was such an awesome thing to do! Thought-provoking post, thank you.

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  9. Thanks for your kind words, Andrea. I'm sure you helped your friend more than you know, just by trying. And bravo for sticking by your best friend when it was hard. Nothing wrong with being the "practical help" type either - it all counts! Glad you have decided to write about death, and I'd love to read it when you are ready.

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  10. I love the story of your dad's friend Bob. That's some of the best showing up ever.

    My dad was 20+ years older than my mom, and they were both older when I came along. My mom died of cancer when I was 14. The day of her funeral, the house was full of people rushing around doing, I don't know, important stuff. My dad, who was very ill himself, was prostrate with grief, so much so that he was unable to go to my mom's funeral.

    It was 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave for the funeral home, and I was standing in my bedroom in my underwear, trying to figure out what I was supposed to wear for the funeral. I tried asking my mother's sister, but she just yelled at me. Finally my dad's daughter from his previous marriage came in and asked me what was wrong. She was only two years younger than my mom, and she and my mom did not have a very good relationship as one might imagine if one were faced with one's dad marrying someone their age. She was always kind to me, but in a distant, chilly way.

    She helped me pick out some clothes and at the funeral, she held my hand and walked with me up to my mother's open coffin when no one else would. I don't know how I would have survived that day without her. She showed up, oh yes. We only saw each other a couple of times after that. Thanks for reminding me. I must never forget her. :)

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  11. Theresa, what an amazing story. I'm glad I reminded you and thrilled that you shared it with us. Do you write memoir or consider it? Just from this glimpse, I think you have some really interesting tales to tell.

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  12. I flat out love this. Not only does this make a beautiful point about how to show up, but also, about the reality of going through loss itself. I try to show up before and after. It's one of the great wordless ways to tell people they matter. I think I'm going to take the Bob the Mower pledge and show up and wordlessly do good. I know when my mom died, as much as people showed up before, we were deeply touched when so many people came to her funeral. Though just a few of my close friends came, I will never forget them for making that effort and it was as if it cemented our relationship forever (crying sloppily all over the guests does make you want to keep them--and your secrets--close where they can't harm you.) As usual with you, you posts carry so much nuance and that little bit of laughter that helps me take it in. Thank you.

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    1. Thanks for this sweet comment. I have to agree about crying all over the guests! I think what's so touching about Bob is that he didn't ask what he could do (Dad wouldn't have asked for help), he just thought of something that mattered to Dad and did it. Yes, I like the idea of wordlessly doing good : )

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  13. Showing up when it counts is such a selfless act. I have a couple of friends dealing with personal challenges right now. Your story has given me encouragement to be there for them... Look how your story has inspired so many to share their oen. You have a gift, Deb. You are showing up for your readers, even now.

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    1. Thanks for your kind words, Denise. I have friends dealing with challenges too, and as I deal with my own I have to remind myself that showing up for others is great medicine.

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