Saturday, February 13, 2010

Hello Handsome

While killing time on my way to a volunteer Valentine-making party recently I bought a Hello Kitty locket necklace from the Goodwill. I got many complements on the necklace at the party and a couple requests to see the photo inside the locket. I pondered this lack of a sweetheart to carry around my neck and knew that prior to Valentine's day this year, and quite possibly next year too, there would be no photo of my true love in my Hello Kitty.

Then while trying to figure out a valentine greeting to write on a card I had made for someone I have never met and never will, who also happens to be hospitalized ("Be Mine." No, "Enjoy your jello." No, "You are so sweet." Ick.) I had an idea.

Online dating sites have pictures of many people who are looking for sweethearts.Or sex, or fashion model virgins, or whatever. So I would choose a site and find my man, shrink his face to fit the locket, print, and presto! instant significant other. I'm not actually going to join the site and date these guys, I just want the pictures.

It will go something like this: Find some I like. Not based only on appearance, as I must, like most women, be emotionally attracted to a man for him to ever have a chance. So some of them will be handsome, most will be average, and some will be downright homely, but shrunk and printed and clipped to fit in the kitty anyway, because they have great partner potential. I will choose my sweetheart and stick him in the place of honor, framed behind that little hinged silver door with Kitty on guard.

After wearing this guy close to my heart for a while, I will determine that he is a habitual liar and remove him from the locket and my life. Next I'll insert someone who looks more honest and claims to love literature and children. In a week or a month, I will imagine I've found out that he hasn't paid child support since 1988, and have to peel him from the kitty and add another. Contestant number three will be funny, employed, and kind. He will stay in the kitty for a while, until one day I discover that he lost his job months ago and has been spending his days at a casino while I bust my ass at the office to buy his favorite imported beer.

Eventually I will tire of all this choosing and shrinking and trimming of the mismatches and give the locket to a little girl who still believes her prince will come.

Maybe her dad will be single.

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