another craigslist nightmare

Here's a recent craigslist post:


Legal and Administrative Assistant (Kansas City MO)

Reply to: job-dpmgy-1240855091@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-06-26, 12:05PM CDT
Legal assistant, secretarial position, with some office management. High professional standards required. Comfortable and collegial atmosphere, respectful of personal and quality lifestyle. Must be a team player and willing to learn. Respectful to staff, deference given, quiet and relaxed, along with high quality work required. Small firm, specializing in unique legal area, located in luxurious renovated loft in West Bottoms, adjacent to Downtown Kansas City. Legal administration to coordinate office work and paralegal skills. Assist attorneys in legal work in highly regulated industry and preparation for hearings. Typing, transcribing, good computer skills, answer telephones and filing. Office administrative skills as may learn or have capabilities, including billing. Small office or résumés will be kept in confidence. Send resume to legalstaffhr@gmail.com.
Location: Kansas City MO
Compensation: Comparable according to skills, health, parking and personal days.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

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There's so much wrong here that I don't know where to begin so I guess I'll just send them my resume with this cover letter:

Dear legalstaffhr:

Enclosed please find my resume in response to your ad for a legal assistant, secretary, office manager, or whatever it might be that you seek.

I'm so pleased that you require high professional standards and offer a comfortable atmosphere, but I'm a bit confused about "...respectful of personal and quality lifestyle." Does this mean you will respect me whatever my lifestyle, or that I must respect your "personal and quality" lifestyle? Could you please define "quality lifestyle?"

I am a team player and willing to learn, so I'd love it if you could teach me what "...deference given, quiet and relaxed, along with..." means. Does this mean I'll get big rewards for being quiet? I can do that!

You also require "legal administration to coordinate office work and paralegal skills." As evidence of my high quality work, I must say that I believe you want someone who is capable of coordinating work who also has paralegal skills, however, what you have asked for is someone to coordinate paralegal skills. Will I be coordinating my own skills or others'?

I am experienced in "assisting attorneys in legal work." I used to assist attorneys in HVAC work, and once had a short stint assisting attorneys in street-sweeping work, but now I just assist attorneys in legal work.

I meet all of your requirements for office skills: typing, transcribing, etc. and whew! I'm so glad you don't require a proper grasp of the English language, including but not limited to spelling and grammar. Trying to stay on top of those things really interferes with my personal and quality lifestyle.

Could I have a large office so that my resume will be kept in confidence?

I see that compensation for this position is "comparable according to skills, health, parking and personal days." This must be where your "deference given" comes in, and let me tell ya, I'm excited about finally being rewarded for my health, parking, and personal days! I just LOVE personal days, and I can parallel park a semi, so these things combined with my health and skills make me the perfect candidate for this job.

I'd love to meet with you in person so that we may further discuss my skills and your personal lifestyle and how much you pay for excellent parking.

Sincerely,


Deb